I hope i can achieve this in the future

累，不累

Finally. There is a break. Ever since the previous fortnight, there were so many things to do. I seems to be taking up a lot of leadership position in projects lately. So the time i had to spend on projects would be more since i am obliged to check everybody's work. Not to mention preparation for the mock interview. Which was......lots-of-area-for-improvement. That's a pity. But i had no time to feel sad because i had two presentation in the following week to prepare for. So together with the assignments and also language lessons at night, i had very little time to sleep during the previous week.

What's worse? Common test on that Saturday. So last week, Monday to Friday, was the only time that i tried to read on the bus. Bad experience. On Saturday, i had to wake up at 5.30am to make my way to school for the 8am paper. Ungodly timing. I was feeling insanely terrible that day due to the lack of sleep. And after exam i have to rush back to Seng Kang for my piano lesson. Tough day, tough week. But i had to hang on

This week, was slightly better. There were a few driving lessons, so studying time were compromised, again. Fortunately there were no language and piano classes this week; so i don't have to care about the homework for the time being.

After the last paper on Thursday, everybody seems to be going for celebration. I am heading home straight away. But i didn't feel bad because i am not rotting at home. I'm having a driving lesson in the afternoon. So i'm going back to sleep first. Driving test is coming soon so things would be more of a rush. After the lesson, i slept again till late night. After waking up for a packet of spicy instant noodle, i went back to sleep yet again. I was too tired.

Friday, i had a competition briefing on the audit quiz competition in the morning. But i woke up with a terrible stomachache. I knew it. The instant noodle. However, i had to go for the briefing, aching all the way. But luckily, Korean lesson was cancelled. If not, i had to stay in school till 8pm.

I'll carry you, till death does us apart

 When I got home that night, as my wife served dinner, I held her hands and told her, ‘I've something to tell you’. Again I observed the hurt she had in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly. She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn't love her anymore…

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I went straight to bed and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.

In the morning, she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she requested that every day for the month's duration that I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door every morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, ‘daddy is holding mommy in his arms’. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, ‘all my dresses have grown bigger’. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, which was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me...she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day. But her much lighter weight made me sad.

On the last day, when I held her in my arms, I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, ‘I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy’.

I drove to office…jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind…I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished. I continued, ‘I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until deaths do us apart’.

Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, “I'll carry you out every morning until death does us apart.”
That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed – passed away……

My wife had been fighting cancer for months but I was too busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would go soon and she wanted to save me from whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce. At least, in the eyes of our son - I'm a loving husband.......